Rippers Resurrected: Collateral Evil

Patrick’s Ventures: Part 1

Paris – Nique ta mère!

I cannot understand a bloody thing here in frog-country! Why these French wankers cannot speak a fucking civilised language like English? I mean – bloody hell – English is the crown jewel of all languages, so why not to speak it?

I mostly heard something like Ferme la bouche!, Tu es completement débile, Vous avez le cervau d’un sandwich au fromage or On t’a bercé trop près du mur?blablablaa I say.

What I have heard maybe Nique ta mère! means hello? These frogs tend to greed me that way. Well, I try to use it as much as possible with a couple of fucks and fuckers to give it a nice English tone.

But hey! Wenches are beautiful! The curious thing is, everything they say sounds fucking arousing. Maybe I find someone eager to meet a true English gentleman…

So, I roamed through watering holes and got a little stewed. Frogs like money, I like booze –
a perfect match! Eventually I found myself sleeping in our ripper wagon near some restaurant. Few explosions woke me up but I thought – this is France – and continued sleeping.

That Vincent guy woke me rudely up when he fucking bashed in. I had brought a bloody fine cognac for him and it poured all over. Thanks to my amazing reflexes I managed to save at least a half of the bottle. He was quite agitated – yes, I would be too if my cognac had been all over the floor! – and told we had to hurry to the museum. There was something heinous going on.

I think these wankers think me as some sort of jester – but I am a proud member of the Frazer’s fighters and do not tolerate any tossers fucking with ancient artefacts. I saw some fuckers carrying crates from the museum and acted fast. I jumped of our moving carriage and hide behind the fuckers’ wagon.

Judging by the blablabla-language wankers spoke I came to conclusion that they were criminals. First I sabotaged their wagon. When I was going for a stealthy attack, but Vincent and the negro walked in. They started conversing with the fuckers so I had time to move around them and attack from behind. The first one dropped easily, negro and I finished quickly the others. Bloody nice job!

I moved swiftly inside and managed halfway to stairs when a fucking giant appeared! The bugger hurled a huge crate which I barely dodged. A priceless artefact was destroyed as the crate smashed to the floor. That really sobered me up and I stormed the ogre. It was I mean fucker but I bashed him up rapidly. Ok, the negro helped a bit. Other little wankers were knocked down fast.

One tosser was escaping but I got to hand it – Vincent yelled a damn nice taunt! Shame that the evil fuck was a magician. He raised the giant and hit Vincent with some really bad juju. Fucker got away. Negro beat the giant to it’s second death.

Our negro left with Vincent and I hastily carried the nearly stolen crates back to the museum. I noticed a small chest full of papers, parchments and papyrus. It appeared important so I decided to borrow it.

At Notre Dame I let so called geniuses figure out what the content of the chest signified. To my surprise they didn’t have a fucking clue! So I grasped some diagrams and studied them quickly. I don’t know a single word of bloody Egyptian but I know a fucking layout when I see one. Most of the papers were about obelisks and one of those was located in here Paris. I really mean “was” because shortly after the discovery we heard a big explosion. Bloody. Fucking. Hell.

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Havu Petri

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