Rippers Resurrected: Collateral Evil

Patrick’s Ventures: Part 1

Paris – Nique ta mère!

I cannot understand a bloody thing here in frog-country! Why these French wankers cannot speak a fucking civilised language like English? I mean – bloody hell – English is the crown jewel of all languages, so why not to speak it?

I mostly heard something like Ferme la bouche!, Tu es completement débile, Vous avez le cervau d’un sandwich au fromage or On t’a bercé trop près du mur?blablablaa I say.

What I have heard maybe Nique ta mère! means hello? These frogs tend to greed me that way. Well, I try to use it as much as possible with a couple of fucks and fuckers to give it a nice English tone.

But hey! Wenches are beautiful! The curious thing is, everything they say sounds fucking arousing. Maybe I find someone eager to meet a true English gentleman…

So, I roamed through watering holes and got a little stewed. Frogs like money, I like booze –
a perfect match! Eventually I found myself sleeping in our ripper wagon near some restaurant. Few explosions woke me up but I thought – this is France – and continued sleeping.

That Vincent guy woke me rudely up when he fucking bashed in. I had brought a bloody fine cognac for him and it poured all over. Thanks to my amazing reflexes I managed to save at least a half of the bottle. He was quite agitated – yes, I would be too if my cognac had been all over the floor! – and told we had to hurry to the museum. There was something heinous going on.

I think these wankers think me as some sort of jester – but I am a proud member of the Frazer’s fighters and do not tolerate any tossers fucking with ancient artefacts. I saw some fuckers carrying crates from the museum and acted fast. I jumped of our moving carriage and hide behind the fuckers’ wagon.

Judging by the blablabla-language wankers spoke I came to conclusion that they were criminals. First I sabotaged their wagon. When I was going for a stealthy attack, but Vincent and the negro walked in. They started conversing with the fuckers so I had time to move around them and attack from behind. The first one dropped easily, negro and I finished quickly the others. Bloody nice job!

I moved swiftly inside and managed halfway to stairs when a fucking giant appeared! The bugger hurled a huge crate which I barely dodged. A priceless artefact was destroyed as the crate smashed to the floor. That really sobered me up and I stormed the ogre. It was I mean fucker but I bashed him up rapidly. Ok, the negro helped a bit. Other little wankers were knocked down fast.

One tosser was escaping but I got to hand it – Vincent yelled a damn nice taunt! Shame that the evil fuck was a magician. He raised the giant and hit Vincent with some really bad juju. Fucker got away. Negro beat the giant to it’s second death.

Our negro left with Vincent and I hastily carried the nearly stolen crates back to the museum. I noticed a small chest full of papers, parchments and papyrus. It appeared important so I decided to borrow it.

At Notre Dame I let so called geniuses figure out what the content of the chest signified. To my surprise they didn’t have a fucking clue! So I grasped some diagrams and studied them quickly. I don’t know a single word of bloody Egyptian but I know a fucking layout when I see one. Most of the papers were about obelisks and one of those was located in here Paris. I really mean “was” because shortly after the discovery we heard a big explosion. Bloody. Fucking. Hell.


Havu Petri

I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.